Elize du Toit

Fortune Nookie

SOURCE: Loaded Magazine, November 2000

main_press_loaded1100.jpgHollyoaks lovelies Lisa Kay, Joanna Taylor and Elize du Toit clean up in the loaded sex awards.

Masturbation isn’t a subject you should bring up when you meet a lady for the first time. Especially when you’re in a high-class casino and the lady in question is one of the stars of teen soap Hollyoaks. But it’s not my fault that I find myself talking dirty to the three best reasons to watch Channel 4’s soapy ratings puller. Lisa Kay, Joanna Taylor and newcomer Elize du Toit are the most incredible women ever to smile in my direction. But I haven’t seen Hollyoaks for a while (I vaguely recall someone being anally raped over a car bonnet), so rather than talk about it, I thought I’d probe them with the highly scientific loaded sex survey. If only they’d answer the question…

Ten minutes later, Lisa has been replaced by Elize du Toit, who plays posh new girl Izzy. She is stunning. Her short blonde hair frames one of the most perfectly formed faces I have ever seen. She makes me want to pull my heart out through my throat and hand it to her, gift-wrapped and covered in blinking fairy lights. Despite my being dazzled incompetent by her amazing face, we’re getting on well. Until I broach the survey…

“How many sexual partners have you had? Zero, 1-5, 5-20, 20-50 or 50-1,000?”
“Um…” she interrupts, “look, sorry, I just don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry, I can’t.” I press on. “Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend?”
“No,” she replies confidently, “I haven’t.”
“What, not even when you were 13? Everyone did when they were 13, surely?”
“OK, that’s actually a lie,” she smiles, looking me in the eyes. “I have cheated on a boyfriend, when I was 17. But that’s because I didn’t think he liked me, and I didn’t think he’d mind. But he did. Because it was with his friend.”
Forgiving her immediately, I move on to the next question. “Do you discuss contraception with…”
“Look,” she interrupts, reaching for my tape recorder. “Can I just quickly turn this off so I can tell you something?”
With the tape played safely off, she informs me that she comes from a very strict Afrikaans religious background, and if he parents see her talking about sex she’ll be in the deepest shit. This isn’t good, considering sex is the only thing I can think of when I look at her. I skim through the remaining questions. Masturbation… melons… yashmak… they’re all just not quite right.
Apart from, perhaps, question 37.
“Arses,” I begin. “Do you prefer…”
“Oh, bodies don’t matter to me at all on men. Not at all. I got for the feeling about them. Their personality, their aura.”
“Any chance,” I wonder, “of going for a bloke who has the aura of a dirty old man?”
She leaves the room. Somewhere in my heart a flame flickers out. Curse this questionnaire for filling my mouth with filth.

9:47pm on 1st November 2000

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